My cat Oliver is a mean, horrid animal and I’m worried about him. Oliver is a big gray, yellow eyed beast who rose up from the bowls of hell to torture and maim me, my children, the neighbors and all the neighbor’s cats. For some reason we, and I’m including most of the neighbors here, but none of their cats, all adore Oliver. He is the absolute king of his territory and don’t try to argue with him. One doesn’t argue with Oliver. It just isn’t a good idea.
Lately Oliver has gotten…well affectionate. He’s taken to following me around and insisting on sitting on my lap, which is torture because this is Oliver we’re talking about. When Oliver chooses to sit on a lap the lap sits still or suffers the consequences. Oliver has always followed me around, but I would never before mistake this for affection. He loves to follow me into the garden and take swipes at me with his sharp claws. He rolls on his back begging for a scratch, but I’m too smart for him. If I lean over to scratch him, he’ll bite me. Not just a little kitten love bite. No, a big mean bowls of hell-this-cat-secretly-hates-you bite. But I’m like the rest of the humans in my neighborhood. I love this cat. It’s not reasonable, but then when is love reasonable?
Still, I think Oliver’s sudden increase in real affection could be a neurological disorder. Suddenly the terror of the streets, insists on coming inside and laying on whatever couch or chair I’ve chosen and watching me with those beady yellow eyes. Should I take him to the vet? A neurologist? A zoo? Or, gasp, (covers mouth with hand) could he be another victim of the divorce? He hated my husband more than he hated the rest of us, but deep inside, is he damaged? Do I need to take him to a cat psychologist? Do I need to make an appointment with a human psychologist to evaluate how the harm I’ve caused the little angel has damaged my psyche? Do I need a new cat?