Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. Life’s been a little hard to swallow and I wasn’t sure what to say. Two months ago I told my husband of nearly twenty years that I wanted out. Why? Because we’d both changed. What was important to me wasn’t important to him anymore. The love we’d placed so much hope in had turned poisonous.
The decision to divorce was so incredibly difficult and sad. It took years of trying to patch it together to finally realize that sometimes the best and only way to respect someone is to say, “I understand that this is who you are. You aren’t going to change and who am I to ask that of you? But I can’t live with who you ‘ve become.”
Sometimes the best way to care for both of you is to say, “I give up. Here is my white flag.” And then move on. Life is short.
So I’m on my own. I confess that I like it. I like the peace and the quiet energy. I like sitting with the kids and laughing again. I like making decisions and not being second guessed. Everything in my life has a different flavor and my creative writing is no different. For several weeks before and after the separation I didn’t write at all. There were so many other things that had to come first. It was a good break for me but I began to wonder if I ever would get back to it. Then the slow tug of story, the unanswered question, the challenge of getting it right all began to play at me. To pull me back. I’m writing again and it feels good. But it’s not the same as it was. Nothing is.
I find myself testing these new creative waters carefully. I’m afraid that my husband did not approve of the time I devoted to writing—actually, I think he felt that both reading and writing fiction was a huge waste of time. It made the time I stole to create feel illicit, as if I was doing something wrong.
I can write with more freedom now—and yet that sense of urgency that used to drive me has eased. I can take my time. I can enjoy. It’s astonishing how even mild disapproval can steal the fun from what we do.
Yes, it’s been a wickedly hard year leading up to and including the separation. I’m only just now beginning to test these new waters. Hop on my bus with me and I’ll let you know how it all works out.